Tea anyone?
by granddanois
Summary: so.....my first....okay, it's a parody based on all the fics i've read basically...i don't know if it's funny....let me know:)


Tea anyone?

_**Okay, well… I've never written anything like this before…. And I'm not English , American or whatever.. English is like my 7th language or something… so… don't flame me or kill me or send me Anthrax , spinach , or anything dangerous and mortal like that, if I make absolutely no sense and you're sitting at your computer going "wtf?"**_

_**why? you ask, why? Well 'cause my imaginary big brother is probably bigger ( and looking a lot more like a mix between Brad Pitt, Orlando Bloom and Daniel Radcliffe ) than yours .. So yeah…**_

_**Disclaimer: saying that I own absolutely nothing would be a lie, and an insult to my collection of plugs….… so I won't say that…I just don't own…I don't own,…takes deep breath …Harry Potter.. Phew…. 5 years of counselling DOES help…also I don't own Celine Dion's "my heart will go on"...**_

Harry sighed. what had been a pleasant evening of chess, chatting and mischief making, involving pink fluffy slippers, cucumbers an the girl dormitory … oh those slippers… had been suddenly interrupted by an irritated, hook- nosed potions professor, in a specially sour mood, entering the common room in a sweeping way, scaring a girl half to death when she accidentally walked right into him on her way out. Leaving her speechless and sobbing on the floor… talk about mentally scared for life, Harry thought.

All the Gryffindors had goggled at the sight of their very much sadistic-sometimes-down -right -nasty potions teacher, standing in the Gryffindor common room, looking very much out of place and ready to kill. Ron being the somewhat daft boy , didn't discover the drastic cut in the noise level and continued speaking.

"And then HE says "nu uh.. I don't thiiink so…" you know.. And I was all like _whatever, _like you know, keeping it cool, and he just looked at me with this look, like, and then he was like "and besides, red like totally clashes with your freckles".. And I was like…whoa, like, do NOT insult my _teint_ …"

In the meantime Snape had spotted them and ,drifted towards them in an almost _fatherly? _way…Harry shook his head " You're going mental old boy, he said to himself, there's just no way….no way.. "

****

Flashback

Harry skipped merrily down the hall, it had been a great day, he had finally collected ALL the cereal collecting cards, and was expecting his FREE oil -based nail polish remover ANYDAY now. nothing could destroy this glorious day, nothing……

"Potter, it is time for me to tell you something I should have told you a long time ago….or….er….yesterday…" Harry stopped and looked up at his potions teacher, who looked particularly greasy, and evil, and he was fascinated by the grace of Snape's black, oh so greasy hair. He took a deep breath and looked at it again. How DID he manage to keep it so… so utterly greasy? And those teeth? Harry had never seen teeth so unbelievable yellow and..

Snape blinked.

"er… potter?"

"what? Oh.. Er right…"

Snape cleared his throat " as I was saying… Potter" he shifted, looking rather uncomfortable "I must tell you something…you've probably wondered why you don't look the least like the dead James Potter and.."

Harry blinked, looking confused "well actually, people have always told me how much I look like my father.. but"

"SILENCE" Snape roared, his rope doing that cool I-am-the-master-of-sweet-sweet-sweeping thingy it always did when needed.

Harry hated to admit it, but he was impressed, there was no wind, and the professor wasn't moving, and still…..

"Potter, I can see you're impressed" Snape said looking smug , he leaned down and whispered in Harry's ear:

"there's nothing you can do, Potter, just accept it" Harry gulped and looked up, Snape looked very pleased with himself and continued "as I was saying you may have noticed something shall we say fishy about yourself , and indeed , there IS something fishy , you see, Potter…..Harry, I am you're fathe.."

"waiiit a minute…" said Harry looking suspicious…

"I don't NEED oil-based nail polish remover, I always use the water-based one….dammit…."

"wtf?"… Snape had grown quite fond of slang, but never really used it in public, that would be damage his reputation severely.. although there was that time with the "shizzle- my -lizzle -hommie- in- da- house episode", but professor Sprout had promised not to tell…In exchange of …well that was another story really….

Meanwhile Harry was getting quite bored so he decided to excuse himself.

" I am terrible sorry Professor, but I gotta run, got an urgent err..urgent..err deadly encounter with the dark lord and err the Matrix, so I guess I'll see you around" Harry cleared his throat and ran.

Snape blinked once, then again. He sighed, "I guess you'll never know then, goodbye Harry, goodbye my so…" he was interrupted by someone coming from behind:

"there you are Severus darling, I've been looking for you everywhere, I've got a surprise for you my flower"

Snape sighed and turned around.

"What is it now, Albus?"

End of flashback

"So, there's like zero chance he can be my long lost biological father…and yet, I feel drawn to those yellow-ish teeth and that looong greasy hair" Harry sighed, and looked around. He noticed that the whole common room plus Snape was looking at him with their mouths hanging open.

"what" he asked

Ron closed his mouth "Harry, mate, that's just wrong on soooo many levels"

Harry blinked, "did I just say that out loud?"

Ron nodded

"oh"

"well" Snape said breaking the somewhat awkward silence.

"Right Potter follow me, please, the webmaster.. err headmaster wants to see you ASAP" Snape then strode out of the common room, gracefully stepping over the still sobbing girl on the floor.'

" wait a minute" Harry said walking towards the portrait hole, "did Snape just use slang? That was kind of cool. No wonder he's my father, "

There was a collective gasp from the common room and Harry spun around irritated,

"What"

Even the sobbing girl on floor had stopped crying an looked up at him with wide eyes , he narrowed his eyes and put his hand on his hips,

"Oh! Like You didn't see it coming !" and with that he spun around and marched out the portrait hole, leaving the others gaping after him for several minutes.


End file.
